Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Hours before crossing the border into Canada to join serial kneepad bestower Bill Clinton in the Conversation on Conservation and avoid bounty hunters hired by Hamas, Hezbollah, and The World Court in The Hague, the former First Idiot of the Untied States of the NOMF™ told The Economic Club of Southwestern Michigan at Lake Michigan College that what he misses most about no longer being the Decider in Chief is not being able to meet with the relatives and friends of “them fallen ones who stratified their lives for me and my country. Meetings such as them has in some ways made me hard and in some ways they was verily push up lifting.”

Another of the things Bush misses since leaving the White House is that so-called journalists now occasionally report exactly what he said instead of what they wished or imagined he had said.

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I like to pop off a few hundred rounds whenever I can, but in these desperate economic times I don’t want to seem like a profligate Republicrat or Demoblican in wasting ammo when I could be helping terminate real bad guys outside my gated community. I am not a drive-by shooter by nature. I wasn’t even raised that way. If I was genetically predisposed to be a nigga, I would be a Clarence Thomas kind of nigga, and I’d be on the Supreme Court putting pubes on my Diet Coke cans and asking the interns to pick them off with their teeth.

I understand why lower class emotional and intellectual defective constructs forced to live in terrible conditions by liberals who have always run the country would find my mocking of their use of the second amendment to poke holes in other lower class dipshits as somewhat disingenuous, even if they buttbump Sarah Palin to ask her press corps to find out what disingenuous means, but that’s not the point.

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The home of Jake and Elwood Blues has become a national model for population control in crime-plagued inner city neighborhoods with at least 36 Chicago Public School students culled by proponents of second amendment rights so far this year. While some die-hard liberals are using this statistic to renew their dead-ender calls for gun control, realists and evolutionary conservatives argue that guns don’t kill young people, Darwin does.

“If these victims didn’t deserve to die,” said one impartial NRA member who refused to give his name or remove his ski-mask, “Evolution wouldn’t have let them stand in the path of speeding projectiles let loose by the agents of natural selection. What would you rather have happen, kids that die young or kids who grow up and commit stupid crimes and go to prison that taxpayers like us have to pay for? Think of this as Darwinian cost management.”

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It’s been a few days since I mentioned any additions to the second amendment daily body count, but this morning I read about Richard Carr who apparently went absolutely bat guano in Toledo, Ohio when he missed his daily telephone call from his mum, who happened to be traveling. This led Carr to assume that John Murphy, his next door neighbor, had obviously kidnapped her and probably killed her as well.

I want all the mothers to pay careful attention to a key fact in the sequence of events that led to the expiration of Richard Carr over the holiday weekend. His mother neglected to call him Saturday as she did every night, and when she didn’t call the way she had every day for as long as the 32-year-old Mr. Carr could remember, he called the police.

Mr. Carr told the police that his mother called him every night until Saturday evening. That’s when he heard noises coming from the backyard of the Murphy family. As a result, he made the only rational connection a man who understands the importance of the second amendment can make, which is that the Murphy family had kidnapped and probably killed his parents. I know that’s the kind of conclusion I would have arrived at, assuming my parents lived 20 miles away and had never met my neighbors.

The police, by the way, took Richard Carr’s report early Sunday morning, and officers who talked to Carr concluded that there was no evidence that anything had happened to his parents and there was also no reason to detain Carr, who, by all accounts, was not a terrorist and therefore not subject to arbitrary detainment or enhanced interrogation.

So a couple of hours after the police ignored his suspicions, David Carr did what any red-blooded second amendment supporter would do. He grabbed two handguns and pounded on the front door of his next-door neighbor screaming: “You killed my family. Now I’m going to kill yours.” And then he peppered his prose with white hot projectiles.

Three of the Murphys were hit. John Murphy sustained multiple wounds with at least two holes in his chest. Two granddaughters hid under a bed while the second amendment made its right-wingnut protected presence known in the front of the house.

Carr’s second amendment rant was silenced after he fired at police negotiators who killed him with a bullet through the head.

After the shooting, some neighbors noted that Carr had been acting oddly the previous day — as if he had the zombie flu — and had rambled on about a civil war that had erupted where his parents lived. While the Murphys were taken to the hospital for treatment, the police drove to the home of Carr’s parents, where they found his brother and no evidence of a civil war. The unnamed brother said his parents were visiting Tennessee and doing fine, at least until they hear what happened to Richard.

Pataphysics is the sweet science of terminal imagination. Pataphysicians provide imaginary cures for imaginary ailments — take the swine flu, please! — offer imaginary solutions to imaginary problems — my insignificant penis is equal to yours! — and match imaginary patients to imaginary health care providers, taking imaginary payments from imaginary insurance companies in an imaginary market-driven economy ruled over by the NOMF™.

Back in March, I offered one of my typically Swiftian proposals for making the death penalty a more palatable audience participatory event for everyone involved in the prison industrial complex we affectionately call supply side trickle-downs syndrome.

As Shakespeare never had to ask: How can we get the guilt and shame out of murdering our friends and neighbors in cold blood for violating laws we put in place to let us do the same thing with cold premeditation and the full blessing of people we may have to beat to death with sledgehammers some day in the future? That is one of many questions that may or may not be purely rhetorical in nature.

The response to that posting was particularly satisfying, eliciting absolutely no comments, proving once again in the folksy words of my late old friend Strom Thurmond: “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t hose off the stink.”

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A couple of days ago, I decided to let my genetic predisposition to emulate Bobby McFerrin shine through and celebrate the possibility that my insignificant penis may never become the premier destination for Googlers and Yahoos looking for a little — and I mean insignificantly little from the bottom of my shallow heart — piece of the local InterWebinational hot action, but I ended up doing some smack and washing down two four ways hit of windowpane with a fifth of grain, so that vibe was totally lost, but hell, I still don’t regret a thing.

Tomorrow I will probably lobby for an estate tax on wealthy assholes who undoubtably pass on their despicable and totally undeserved feeling of happiness to their offspring without paying their fare share to the cosmic utensil, but for today, I have nothing to say about whitey except walk right in, sit right down, and whitey let your ass hang out. You know what I like most about white people, niggers, spics, douchebags, and voters? If so, e-mail me or comment on this blog, so I can mock you.

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My insignificant penis, your second amendment right to own and bear arms, and everybody’s new age dream of making big bucks by exploiting search engine optimization (SEO) and keyword monetization have all come together in an orgasm of product affiliate opportunities with the discovery of the collectible corpse of marketing communications professor George Goober Zinkan in the woods north of Athens, Georgia, where he had apparently buried himself after a hasty second amendment-assisted suicide to avoid prosecution for the murder of his wife and two friends.

According to Athens-Clarke County Police Chief Joseph Nez Pierce Rupert Lumpkin, “A person who is not accustomed to the woods would never have found the body.” Apparently, Chief Lumpkin was attempting to maintain calm in the NOMF™ Southeast where Zinkhan disappeared after the April 25th shootings near the University of Georgia, where, according to at least one news report, he “had a spotless record since arriving to teach in the Terry College of Business in the 1990s.” The Terry College of Business is widely hailed for having invented the cloth that bears its name during the Second World War to make things safe for the Greatest Generation.

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My apologies for not having posted a daily accounting for second amendment martyrs for the past couple of days. I know how many of you out there in Joe Sixpack and Sarah Bimbo Palin land have come to count on me to post links to the latest information about people who were too stupid to avoid the gun control issues that liberals and neocondi rice and beaners are so fervently arguing.

All I can say in my defense is I just took delivery of several dozen marvelous tools of self-defense from a Mexican alternative pharmaceutical distributor who got them from a NOMF™ sanctioned business whose name you would recognize in a minute even though they recently changed it to avoid prosecution for torture in places that don’t really matter to you and me involving ragheads, niggas, spics, greaseballs, and slopes.

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As many of my readers know, I am on a mission of Allah to make my insignificant penis the premier InterWeb destination for anyone interested in understanding how important our second amendment rights are to the preservation of a Christian oligarchy dedicated to the superhuman pursuit of truth, justice, and the American Way.

I recently read that one of the strategies for increasing traffic to your blog — even if it is only about an insignificant penis — is to engage your readers by asking them to respond to questions you pose that are relevant to life on the planet on which you are currently living.

I admit I am unclear on the concept of spatial reality, relevance, and the limitations of space in the William Randolph Hearstian universe of freedom of speechification, but I do know how to draw blog addicts to drink at the trough of my insignificant penis, and this post is an exercise intended to bring me even more readers who desire my insignificant penis to rock their worlds.

Granted, many of my readers do not have insignificant penises. In fact, some have no penises at all, which ruled out posing questions that would not necessarily drive more traffic to what is currently an oddly tumescent URL, so I decided to explore the other focus of my pataphysical effort to celebrate the consequences of having second amendment rights to solve disagreements with a burst of automatic weapons fire.

I avoided the potatophysical approach to keep certain insufferable brits from thinking they could simply waltz in and sit on the faces of my readers without paying royalities. The truth is that most if not all potatophysicians were killed in duels during the premiere of King Ubu in 1896. We are still sweeping up after that unfortunate incident.

I will reserve comment on recent attempts by the unicorn defibrillation army to disrupt communications here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat until the zombie spine flu dodadecademic has been brought under control. Continue Reading »

Here it is nearly Cinco de Mayo and when was the last time anyone used a legally purchased semi-automatic weapon in a mass murder of people who didn’t obviously deserve it?

Sure, there was a stretch in March and early April where the equivalent of a pro-sports franchise roster was gunned down in a series of unfortunate actions that could have been avoided if the perpetrators were not such insignificant penile losers and reacted so poorly to proven methods of potty-training and community interaction.

The fact is the second amendment right to own and bear arms, as well as discharge those arms, has served the nation well in these times of economic and infectious disease calamity. Has anyone bothered to mention that more than 10 percent of those killed in March and April were law enforcement officers, the very people the second amendment was written to allow ordinary citizens the opportunity to hunt down and kill, if not exactly in those words?

As this blog has shown repeatedly, most people who avail themselves of their second amendment rights are not mass killers. On the contrary, most second amendment exercisers have specific targets and after having eliminated the perceived threats to their life, liberty, and pursit of happiness, they usually return home to watch TV and eat snacks like the rest of us.

It is obvious that our governments — and I use the plural form intentionally because in the NOMF™ we have multiple governments, all vying for our abject obedience — are far more effective in inflicting mass casualties on both foreign and domestic targets of opportunity than the average semi-automatic weapons afficionado.

It is also obvious that while guns do in fact kill people, so too do genetically engineered viruses, surgical airstrikes against suspected terrorist strongholds, modern education, relevance, and blogging. I actively engage in all these activity, and I feel fine.

To prove once again how sacred and logical our right to defend ourselves with automatic and manual weapons is, let me list the first five fatal shootings I found five minutes ago on news.whoselifeisitanyway.com.

In Waterbury, Connecticut, police are looking for Andre West in connection with the second amendment assisted retaliation against Lawrence Mates, a bouncer at Swizzle Stix on Lakewood Road, who was shot in the head in the parking lot Saturday night.

Richard Soria suffered multiple second amendment bullet wounds on the front steps of his home in Toledo, Ohio, on Sunday and died at St. Vincent Mercy Medical Center. If you were involved in this dispute, please contact the police who may be offering a reward for information in the case.

Another second amendment dispute in Houston, Texas led to the shooting outside the Hot Shot Bar and Billiards Sunday morning that led to multiple gunshot wounds to Jimmy Ruiz by a handgun fired by Fausto “Paco” Flores. Witnesses claim that a bystander who tried to intervene was shot in the leg. Let that be a lesson to liberals intent on messing with people involved in fervent discussions of their second amendment rights.

A party in Las Vegas was enlivened by a second amendment disagreement that resulted in the expiration of an unidentified teenager who was perforated multiple times in south Nellis. If you had anything to do with the death of this unnamed person, police are looking for you with their guns drawn.

In another barroom disagreement, Carl Cohen was dealt a fatal second amendment argument at Terry’s Lounge in Canton Township early this morning. All rights to this story are reserved by WPXI.com and this material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed under threat of second amendment exercise of undue process.

Keep polishing them guns and insignificant penises people and God will reward you in the end.