Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

The home of Jake and Elwood Blues has become a national model for population control in crime-plagued inner city neighborhoods with at least 36 Chicago Public School students culled by proponents of second amendment rights so far this year. While some die-hard liberals are using this statistic to renew their dead-ender calls for gun control, realists and evolutionary conservatives argue that guns don’t kill young people, Darwin does.

“If these victims didn’t deserve to die,” said one impartial NRA member who refused to give his name or remove his ski-mask, “Evolution wouldn’t have let them stand in the path of speeding projectiles let loose by the agents of natural selection. What would you rather have happen, kids that die young or kids who grow up and commit stupid crimes and go to prison that taxpayers like us have to pay for? Think of this as Darwinian cost management.”

Most disturbing to me is the cowardice reported in a recent NPR news story where several students express fear about going to school because of occasional fusillades, apparently unaware of our NOMF™ heritage of braving the red glare and the bombs bursting in air. All I can say to kids who don’t have the guts to put their lives on the line to go to school is think about Abraham Lincoln. Think about the shit he had to put up with writing on the back of a shovel by fireplace light while the Civil War was on the horizon and slaves who escaped from the Underground Railroad were roaming around his home in roving bands like negro zombie youths. You think you got it bad, boys?

One particularly whupped-ass student told an NPR reporter that gang members don’t usually “try to pull that stuff [killing kids] until after school, but now they’re trying to get kids coming to school in the morning. That’s ridiculous. We shouldn’t be scared to come somewhere — we should feel safe and have a safe learning environment. It don’t play right; it’s not right.”

All I can say is that if not for the weapons training available in inner city urban environments, many of our future troops would have no idea whatsoever of how our enemies are living and have been living for decades as we hunt them down and round them up and interrogate them, which would give the terrorists an obvious advantage over our honorably voluntary heroes if not for these miniscule simulations of life in a real combat zone.

At the current rate, Chicago this year will lose 70-80 school age children to drive by target practice by those who understand what an important and sacred thing our second amendment right is. More than 400 children died from bombs and bullets in Baghdad last week, where freedom hasn’t even become a word for nothing left to lose yet, and they don’t have a second amendment, which indicates to me that our rights are the difference between an occasional unfortunate death and wholesale slaughter.

If you disagree with my assessment of this imaginary situation, please leave a comment that my assigned agents can look at so I can slip out and buy some beer and maybe score some opiates.

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