Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Pataphysics is the sweet science of terminal imagination. Pataphysicians provide imaginary cures for imaginary ailments — take the swine flu, please! — offer imaginary solutions to imaginary problems — my insignificant penis is equal to yours! — and match imaginary patients to imaginary health care providers, taking imaginary payments from imaginary insurance companies in an imaginary market-driven economy ruled over by the NOMF™.

Back in March, I offered one of my typically Swiftian proposals for making the death penalty a more palatable audience participatory event for everyone involved in the prison industrial complex we affectionately call supply side trickle-downs syndrome.

As Shakespeare never had to ask: How can we get the guilt and shame out of murdering our friends and neighbors in cold blood for violating laws we put in place to let us do the same thing with cold premeditation and the full blessing of people we may have to beat to death with sledgehammers some day in the future? That is one of many questions that may or may not be purely rhetorical in nature.

The response to that posting was particularly satisfying, eliciting absolutely no comments, proving once again in the folksy words of my late old friend Strom Thurmond: “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t hose off the stink.”

Today, I propose a solution to the embarrassing situation with Guantanamo Bay ragheads that combines a creative application of our second amendment rights with recent changes in bag limits on troublemakers in federally protected parks and wilderness areas that is sure to stiffen even the most insignificant penis slightly with the excitement always engendered in the loins by thoughts of truth, justice, and the American Way.

By now, everyone who still has a frontal lobe and free will realizes that Biraq Obama is unable to fulfill any of the campaign promises he made because he either has no balls or his wife keeps him on a zircon-encrusted collar attached to a very short leash. Most disillusioned voters had hoped that the daily reversals of Bush administration policies dutifully reported by the scum-sucking liberal media in the early days would eventually extend to substantive areas that would indicate real change was possible and make tumescent the hopes and dreams of the downtrodden test subjects of Reaganomics, Clintonomics, and Bush League governance. Fat fucking chance.

It doesn’t help, of course, that insignificant Dick Cheney keeps threatening to shoot every pasty liberal in the face who doesn’t kneel down or bend over and admit that torture to protect freedomocracy and mall shopping is an acquired taste best understood by patriots who aren’t of the nigra persuasion, which is why Rush Hindenberg Limbaugh is Cheney’s preference as spiritual leader of the Republicunt party over Condi Rice’s high-tone houseboy Colon Bowel.

As a result, Biraq was forced to reinstitute military tribunals. He couldn’t release any more pictures of the years of torture that didn’t take place to prevent alleged torture victims from having to relive the questionable horror that never happened and that all of us would abhor if we believed that we were capable of voting to endorse the practice through representative democracy.

He successfully sought to prevent the release of e-mails from the Bush administration by arguing for secrecy and executive privelege positions he vehemently opposed during his incredible Comeback Kid campaign on a platform of hope and change, so effectively that in the past three weeks Biraq Obama and his chocolate goon squad has managed to succeed in obstructing the view of ordinary citizens from the workings of its out of control eensy Eichman government more completely and expansively than Bush and his honkey goons did in eight years.

Thank God the first hundred days are over and we can get back on the Armageddon Trail! Take a bow, responsible voters! You have done your doody duty once again. God will prevent you from henceforth thinking about any of those virgins that the godless Muslims get when they follow the will of their leaders.

The courts have now decided that the remaining detainees can be held indefinitely without charge because they’ve already been held so long they are pissed off enough to do real damage if they ever get out. As one of my imaginary sources put it: “These guys and dolls may have been harmless and innocent when we captured and shackled and caged them and threw bags over their heads and raped the fuck out of them, but in the intervening years we’ve turned them all into hate-filled killing machines and they are totally out of control. On the outside, these guys could make 9/11 look like a family picnic ruined by ants and a few sprinkles. Believe me, this is a big problemo.”

According to appeals court Judge Marsha Norman Mastabates, Congress gave the president the authority to hold anyone involved in planning, aiding, abetting or carrying out the terrorist attacks “until the end of time or The Rapture, whichever comes first,” which means that all Biraq has to do to avoid dealing with the problem is agree that George Bush might have been right when picking up the current Gitmo posse and he can keep these wrongly abused and accused people behind concertina wire for decades. Why this pisses some people off is obvious. They have hidden agendas. That’s never been my problem. I’ve always had my agendas right here. Sniff this, motherfuckers!

And now the Democrats have refused to fund the closing of Camp X-Ray until Biraq provides detailed information on precisely what he’s going to do with each of the remaining detainees that he probably doesn’t intend to release anyway. Apparently, you can’t cut off funding to close the place down. You have to spend significantly more to get significantly less because that’s the American Way!

It also appears that no foreign country is willing to take any of the detainees, while no state or municipality in the NOMF wants any of them housed in their own highly profitable little manufacturing centers in the prison industrial complex, so the only real solution to this problem is kill to all the current detainees and quit bringing back any others alive, which appears to be current military and diplomatic strategy in Iraq and Afghanistan, with Biraq’s complete approval. That nigra can be a hard ass when it really doesn’t matter, I’ll give him that.

Of course, the whiny liberals will get out to protest when the decision to terminate the remaining detainees is finally made, but I am convinced that those protests can be avoided by coupling the inevitable executions with the entertainment of a lottery and the appeal of a Survivor-style reality show where security-screened patriotic second amendment supporters will be chosen through audience voting and a diverse panel of policy critics for the opportunity to hunt individual detainees released on federal lands, freely adapted from the premise of that classic Rutger Hauser movie that also starred homeboy nigra Ice T: Surviving the Game.

The detainees would be given supplies to last a week and insufficient clothing to survive typical night-time temperatures in the locale where they are released. They would be called Free Staters, Dead Enders, or Targets of Opportunity, depending on the findings of focus group discussions. Contestants would score points for style, efficiency, cruelty, or inappropriate humor with weighting assigned on a daily basis from texted messages from viewers sent to a pay per call number that would help fund the effort.

We already have four times as many registered firearms in this country as registered voters. We should put them to good use to rid ourselves of these meddling detainees. If they weren’t guilty, we wouldn’t have hunted them down and rounded them up.

Let’s go the final mile and show the world what we’re really made of. Let’s make the God of our founding fathers proud!

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