May 18 2009
Tase your child at work day
Florida has always struck me as the kind of place where the truly ludicrous is bound to surface, and not just because Hemingway used to live there. What about Jimmy Buffet, Jack Kerouac, Roxanne Pulitzer, Ted Bundy, Terri Schiavo? And don’t get me started on all the retired jews from New York move there to whine and act as if living in an actual city was like surviving the Holocaust.
I don’t know why I’ve never liked Florida, and it’s not worth my time thinking about it. It’s just such an unholy sticky place that seems destined to become a stew pot of serial killers, endangered species, failed space exploration programs, and periodic derision by me, Doctor Faustroll, the holy antithesis of Al Franqen, who is scheduled to become the second senator from Minnesota whenever Garrison Keilor leaves the state to mate with Newt Gingrich.
So I was not at all surprised to read about the Florida Department of Corrections firing three employees and accepting the resignations of three others in connect with forty of their NOMF™ progeny getting a buzz on during the April 23rd Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day. I mean, seriously, if you were a corrections employee, wouldn’t you want to shoot some voltage through your offspring with the intention of inciting them to follow in your footsteps? Isn’t that the whole idea of procreation?
Back when I was in the Boy Scouts, we used to imaginarily hold hands around the campfire and stroke our insignificant penises in competition for some hardtack that was awarded to the preemptive and ultimate jizm launcher, and we did it without requiring any artificial electrical stimulation.
So what were these Floridian parents and role models thinking? As Kurt Cobain used to sing before he used the second amendment in place of Extra Strength Enditol to get away from his annoying wife and kid, if you can’t come as you are, doused in mud, cept in bleach, as I want you to be as a trend of a friend of a known memory, well here we are now, Kurt Cobain us. Whip it on me, Jim.
Department of Corrections Secretary Walter Wally Walnuts McNeil described having to respond to leaks of the episode embarrassing, apparently because he has a limited vocabulary from years of corrections and law enforcement training that you only need to be able to read the Miranda rights to do a good job in the NOMF, which is probably true, but to his credit, McNeil did admit that he was no relation to the former PBS News Hour co-anchor, and the tasings were not nearly as potentially life threatening as the tear gas demonstration at the Clermont Lake Correctional Institution that also resulted in no premanent genetic damage to the test subjects, I mean the children.
Florida! You are my soulless inspiration! You are all I got to get me by. Bring on the next Bush!
