Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Despite my best efforts to educate the NOMF™ in the kinds of things they would have learned in school if anyone was paying attention and we had an educational system where students got some real rewards for their efforts — such as being able to bust a cap in some stupid English teacher’s petulant buttocks every now and then — some people just won’t get with the program.

Take the case of Andrew Mizsak, a man of undetermined seniority according to my sources in the liberal media, who called 911 in Bedford, Ohio, over the weekend after his 28-year-old son threw a plate of food and shook his fist at him. I have no idea what Andrew Junior had on his plate at the time, but at least one of my imaginary sources claim the attack was backed by the FSM, a known pataphysical terrorist organization committed to the end of irrational thought.

I suspect, however, that Junior Mizsak’s fisting gesture was simply the final straw for his hard-working Mizsak parents — no relation to the Meshachs or Abednegos of South Bedford — who had fully expected their son to get a real job after leaving high school or at least get married to someone of the opposite sexual persuasion, not that there is any hint in the story that Junior is gay, other than a mention that he is a school board member.

Whenever I hear anyone is a member, I look at my crotch. Wouldn’t you?

So yes, Junior Andrew Mizsak is a Bedford school board member who also works as a political consultant, which is also kind of gay, but that’s not the point. After the police responded to the 911 call, the elder Mizsak — who is also not related to the Vilsacks of Iowa — decided not to press charges because he didn’t want to ruin his son’s chances for the kind of political career that made Hod Rod Blagojevich such an impressive role model for millions of young Americans from sea to rising sea.

According to at least one report that we made up, the younger Mizsak breathed a sigh of relief when he learned he would not be arrested, falling to his knees and thanking the God of his choice for being lucky enough to be living at no cost in the family home in these troubling economic times in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

He also promises that he will keep his room clean until it is no longer profitable to do so, and he hopes that the people of Bedford will give him another chance at a bright political future, as they have given members of the Bush family for decades.

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