Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

I remember nearly stepping barefoot on a copperhead in the kitchen of a rental house outside Chapel Hill one fall many years ago. That sucker was nearly 5 feet long and scrunched up under the toe kick of the sink base trying to keep warm. I didn’t kill it. I got a rake and flipped it out onto the back porch because I have seldom been able to kill things unless driven totally insane.

One of the really nice things about living west of the Cascades in Oregonadia is the lack of poisonous snakes. If we had an outhouse in Idiotville, I’d have no fear that a rattlesnake would slither up over my feet while I was reading the Sears catalog as once happened to Uncle Ham down at the place Aunt Louise and Uncle Ray owned in Cobb County, KY (the state they named the jelly after).

The reason I’m thinking about snakes and outhouses today on this blog that celebrates insignificant penises, the second amendment, and typical NOMF™ lunacy was a story I read about this Taiwanese man who was bitten on his penis by a black and yellow rat snake as he tried to use the toilet in the privacy of a home that does not have the kinds of homeland security that normal people expect when they need to piss or shit in the land of the brave and the home of the free.

I mean, if you can’t carry on necessary bodily functions without having your sphincter clench, what good is life itself? That’s a question that Pope Benedict should be asked in the Holyland.

According to the China Times (which may not be its real name, considering other elements in this story), “As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up.” Apparently that’s when he noticed that his normally trivial tool had been replaced by an enormous snake.

The fiftyish-year-old man, who apparently preferred to remain anonymous because his name is allegedly Wan Hung Lo, was listed in stable condition at the Yu Puli Christian Hospital, where the director, who also did not want his name mentioned probably because it is Puli Bhagwhan, said he [the patient] will be kept until the risk of snake flu infection is gone because rat snakes have dirty mouths.

I can hear him now: “You fucking piece of shit, Lo. Teabag me, will you? I’ll show you what tumescent means, you goddamn liberal asshole.”

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