Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

As many of my readers know, I am on a mission of Allah to make my insignificant penis the premier InterWeb destination for anyone interested in understanding how important our second amendment rights are to the preservation of a Christian oligarchy dedicated to the superhuman pursuit of truth, justice, and the American Way.

I recently read that one of the strategies for increasing traffic to your blog — even if it is only about an insignificant penis — is to engage your readers by asking them to respond to questions you pose that are relevant to life on the planet on which you are currently living.

I admit I am unclear on the concept of spatial reality, relevance, and the limitations of space in the William Randolph Hearstian universe of freedom of speechification, but I do know how to draw blog addicts to drink at the trough of my insignificant penis, and this post is an exercise intended to bring me even more readers who desire my insignificant penis to rock their worlds.

Granted, many of my readers do not have insignificant penises. In fact, some have no penises at all, which ruled out posing questions that would not necessarily drive more traffic to what is currently an oddly tumescent URL, so I decided to explore the other focus of my pataphysical effort to celebrate the consequences of having second amendment rights to solve disagreements with a burst of automatic weapons fire.

I avoided the potatophysical approach to keep certain insufferable brits from thinking they could simply waltz in and sit on the faces of my readers without paying royalities. The truth is that most if not all potatophysicians were killed in duels during the premiere of King Ubu in 1896. We are still sweeping up after that unfortunate incident.

I will reserve comment on recent attempts by the unicorn defibrillation army to disrupt communications here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat until the zombie spine flu dodadecademic has been brought under control.

I’m especially curious about how many of my readers have second amendment rights. Among those of you who do, how many have exercised those rights recently in ways that haven’t made it into Dr. Faustroll Wrongs the Rights because those ways did not directly contribute to our daily body count. Whether you have been engaging in the regulated puncturing of targets in the shape of humans, blasting away at trees or beer cans in the woods, ridding your neighborhood of gophers, mountain beavers, and ground squirrels, scaring the neighbor’s bratty kids, or shooting at the local news team traffic helicopter, share your love of freedom with us so that the terrorists will understand exactly what they are missing by being so evil and why you are so special.

Meanwhile, the nuclear family appears to have suffered some second amendment setbacks recently. This morning in Lakeland, Florida, for instance, Nathan Bellar narrowly escaped succumbing to second amendment discipline by his father Troy Ryan Bellar. Mr Bellar had already dealt firmly and resolutely with his wife Wendy and their 8-year-old and 5-month old sons when Nathan took off through the garage, managing to dodge multiple white-hot arguments before ducking into a neighbor’s house, whereupon his dear old dad killed himself on the front lawn.

Also in Florida, Jason Beckman, who was arrested for manslaughter after shotgunning his father Jason in the shower on Easter Sunday, now faces a first degree charge in the murder of the South Miami commissioner who allegedly contributed sperm to his developmental profile.

Jason had originally told police that the gun had accidently discharged while he was showing his wonderful dad how he had assembled it all by himself just outside the bathroom, but, unfortunately for God and the ultimate purpose of the universe and its workings, Jason had also told classmates that hated his father and wanted to kill him. Obviously, this was a job for the second amendment! Stay tuned for further episodes as Jason descends through the circles of Hell to meet his Holy Father in Heaven!

In Vallejo, California, an unnamed corpse lay on the ground for more than five hours as more than 30 officers responded to a second amendment disturbance in the 1200 block of Taylor Avenue, eventually using a flash grenade to enter an empty apartment after several hours of fruitless hostage negotiations with people who apparently weren’t in the apartment. The Keystone Cops would have been proud.

An unidentified Taylor Avenue resident said the house had a history of undisclosed trouble, but the neighborhood is otherwise a safe and quiet one, except for occasional second amendment arguments that leave inert bodies for retrieval and disposal.

In Pompano Beach, North Carolina, Corey Young used his second amendment equalizer to win a disagreement with Randolph Canion. What more can I say?

Also in Florida, Orlando radio personality Edward Shannon Burke made the mistake last week of mixing alcohol with the second amendment and putting a bullet through the leg of a Cavalier King Charles spaniel named Charlotte that grazed the right side of his wife Catherine Burke’s head.

Burke’s defense was that he was playing with a legally purchased .40 caliber handgun he didn’t know was loaded and his wife was used to his playing around, although everyone knows that the second amendment is worthless without bullets.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin reported two separate fatal second amendment incidents on Sunday, each resulting in the death of someone whose identity is being withheld for some reason or other that no longer matters to the deceased.

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