Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

As Sledge Hammer used to almost say: Trust me. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I suspect no one else knows what they are doing either, but that’s none of my business because I don’t mean business. In fact, I may be the greatest anti-business business on this InterTube Bus we bozos choose to ride, and I have no clue to what your business is — but I’m sure that what I suspect I mean, which is not to say I mean whatever I suspect I might say because saying is strictly metaphoracological when you use it in a blog, which is a kind of funky fen when you really think about it, which you shouldn’t, and I don’t — where was I?

Oh yeah. I remember. Now that Hunger and Hope day is over and all the world is sated and laid back with big bellies and rolling doobers for dessert, I was planning to write about the differences between pig flu epidemics and pandemics, but it turns out that there really is no such word as epidemic, which is simply a misspelling of epidermis — which is in turn just another Kris Kristoffersonesque word for nothing left to lose after you’ve failed to give up any actionable intelligence during a Lon Cheney-sanctioned harsh interrogation session that removed your protective covering and left you whimpering like a terrorist baby abandoned at an al Franqen training camp.

Pandemic, on the other hand, does not have anything to do with rattling pots and cosmic utensils like a banshee dancing around with Adidas in heat. Pandemic is used to describe the widespread occurrence of annoyances that effect people, which is why it is being used in connection with the pig flu, because pigs are among the most annoying people on the planet, much less the NOMF™. They are usually well-armed, covered in protective armor, mentally defective, and permitted to kill you with impunity, which is another word I’ll have to look up in the Urban Dictionary when I get finished with this post, proceed to the front of the line, and collect my $200.

If you think it is odd that demic is used to describe people when it seems uncomfortably close to demonic, don’t look at me. I don’t write the dictionaries. Hell, I don’t even read them.

Let’s get serious for a moment. What was the last dictionary got turned into a major motion picture or video game? Gotcha! as Sarah Palin might say. Dictionaries are boring and predictable. They start with a, which is not necessarily an article of faith and end with zyxt (the second singular indicative present form of the verb to see), nyxst (the preferred tagger form of sixth) or zyzzyva (the sound made by a handicapped tropical American weevil that ain’t looking for a home when you squeeze its nutsack and ask it directions). This is not particularly page-turning stuff.

Time out!

You know, before I go any further, I really need to comment on the growing tendency among the liberal media to go overboard with incidental censorship, particularly when it distorts reality. For instance, while conducting research for today’s second amendment daily death count, I came across the case of Carey Mitchell Messex III, who was arrested in Springfield, Georgia, for shooting a cocker spaniel with his second amendment protected shotgun after the mangy mutt threatened to bite his niece.

Three of the four stories I found mentioned that Messex was being held in the Effingham County jail on $1,000 bond. Why couldn’t anyone simply call a spade a spade and for once have the journalistic balls to correctly identify that county in Georgia by its proper name: Fuckingham?

It has been Fuckingham since 1754 when Lord Fuckingham established a wacky tobacky plantation there that was staffed by more than 150 convicted petty felons (none of them black or Hispanic) who plea-bargained for the opportunity to start over in the New World Disorder in exchange for the opportunity to have anal sex with native women as was promised in the brochures.

It is time we all acknowledge the legacy of Fuckingham County, Georgia, and view this unfortunate incident with Mr. Messix as an aberration from normal behavior amongst the ordinary citizens of Fuckingham, and that’s all I’m going to say about the matter.

In Gilbert, Arizona, the second amendment contributed to the sudden termination of one unnamed person and sent another to a nearby hospital with undisclosed wounds, contributing more than $ 1,200 to the local economy.

Michael Andrew Wagner succumbed to second amendment sanctioned gunfire in San Bernardino, Californikatocalin that left a woman with a bullet in her face last night. Police said that the dead guy was a known gang member, which is enough for me to assume he deserved to die, although not as quickly as reports seem to suggest. How do you read this situation? Leave a comment. Let me know how you really feel.

In Nashville, a 19-year-old woman was second amendmented in the chest, but her name is being withheld until authorities can determine whether or not she might get into the Guinness Book of World Records this year.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa, was having fits yesterday trying to decide whether a shooting had occurred at the University of Iowa Hospital or if a woman had driven herself there for treatment for gunshot wounds. It could have gone either way. Fortunately, the police there are currently looking for a black male in a black hoody and jeans, and the victim was not white, which is making everyone in the state feeling more comfortable about the racial progress they have made in recent weeks.

And finally, I can get to the point of this post: Ultimate Frisbee playing Oregonadians from the University of Oregasm who exposed their insignificant penises without once discharging either those penises or their second amendment rights have been banned by a five-member student board from participating in the national championship that they would have undoubtedly won.

In rebuttal to the charges levied against them, team co-captain Dusty “Rusty” Pecker told the board, “Hey, dudes, get with the program. Speeding, drinking, nudity — these are not bad things,” he said. “These are things a big portion of the community doesn’t think are wrong, which is why Bush is no longer in the White House.”

And I agree with Rusty. I speed, drink, and get naked, as do most people, although I don’t engage in Ultimate Frisbee, but that is not the point. The point is that there is no point, and if these guys are good enough to win the national title with their schlongs flopping around and their nutsacks totally unprotected from the Shakespearean slings and arrows of audience hooting, let them go for it.

As co-captain Benton Enden-Kenton told the board: “I came to the University of Oregon to play Frisbee. That may sound silly, but a lot of people do, especially pre-law and polysci majors. Fucking English majors won’t earn as much in their lifetimes as we do off the books. Get with the program, assholes.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself, because I think it is time the NOMF emerged from the recent dark ages and stepped fearlessly into the smegma-encrusted light of the new economy as typified by Ultimate Frisbee, and let these brave boys play and teach us where we are going and how we are going to get there.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS