Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Crime scene investigators from Las Vegas, New York, and Miami converged on Canberra, Australia, today to join the search for fugitive financier and serial developer Michraal Cephallic, aka Little Zippy Pego, who is wanted by U.S. authorities in all 50 states and several occupied principalities for murder, mayhem, assorted love crimes, and parole violations that forbid him from possessing second amendment weapons of mass construction.

Cephallic is suspected in a string of more than 100 murders involving rental tools from Home Depot — most often high powered-nail guns — that he uses to impale his illegal immigrant victims to substandard framing in subdivisions built almost entirely with sub-prime mortgage financing over the past two years. Then the flood of victims suddenly stopped following reports that Cephalic had been run over by a truck during a botched kidnapping attempt at a California rest stop.

Now, however, authorities suspect that Cephallic faked his death and fled overseas where he may have killed as many as 60 others in Hawaii, New Zealand, and Australia, where victims are usually found nailed to billboards and barns or wrapped in bargain basement rugs.

On Friday, Australian police released an x-ray showing the skull of Chen Liu, a murdered Chinese immigrant, whose body was found by two hungry children last year in a swamp outside Sydney, wrapped in an American flag rug and bound with fluorescent marking tape. Liu had been shot 34 times in the head and neck with a .60 caliber nail gun. The coroner initially declared Liu had died of blunt force trauma to the abdomen, but his opinion was overruled when he entered detox and someone actually looked at the body, determining that Liu had committed suicide.

Family members were outraged by that finding and demanded an independent autopsy, which suggested that the victim was not capable of committing suicide with most available implements of self-annihilation — and most definitely not a nail gun — because he lacked fingers on either hand due to a congenital birth defect.

Next, noting that several other corpses had recently turned up around Sydney nailed to various structures, a family member Googled for nail gun serial killers and found stories about Michraal Cephallic, whereupon they requested aid from Interpol, which in turn contacted film and televsiion producer Jerry Bruckheimer to ask if he could spare any charismatic members of his franchise to help in the investigation. The results should air as mini-series next fall.

Imaginary detectives from the U.S. and Australia agreed that the weapon responsible for Liu’s demise appeared to be a standard air-powered nail gun widely available for rent at big box building supply retailers around the world. Homocide superindentent Geoff Big Bruce Beresford told reporters that he had never seen such a tight pattern of nails used in the commission of a crime.

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