Apr 22 2009
The lighter side of our second amendment rights
It isn’t all Dirty Larry Crazy Mary apeshit blasting away at anything moves out there when it comes to our God-given neocondi rice and beaner second amendment right to own and bear arms. Sometimes it’s just about ordinary NOMF™ stupidity, which is one thing — even in these tough economic times — most Americans still have plenty of.
Take the case of Thomas Mathew Bergh of Fort Collins, Colorado — who is undoubtedly one of my loyal readers — who creatively extended his second amendment rights to using a pellet gun against a particularly obnoxious squirrel that woke him up around 10 a.m. on Monday morning.
I know how scary and annoying squirrels can be, particularly when they are well-armed, but I’d never be foolish enough to go up against an angry squirrel — even an unarmed one — with just a pellet gun. What if you only wound him? Have you ever seen a wounded squirrel exacting revenge? It is not something you will ever forget, but that’s anther story.
According to various reports I read, Mr. Bergh has been issued a summons for discharging a weapon within the city limits because a nosey woman in his apartment complex — who may have been carrying on an affair with the squirrel — called the police to report hearing gunfire and watching a well-coiffed squirrel fall from a tree, whereupon Mr. Bergh picked up the squirrel, placed it in a plastic bag, and unceremoniously disposed of its lifeless corpse in nearby drop-box.
“It was horrible, a terrible demise,” said Bunny Firkle, who asked to remain anonymous, bursting into tears. “I hope they throw the book at him,” which I assume would be a rather large book, or perhaps even a collection of books, perhaps something by James Audubon, but I am unable to report precisely which book or books Ms. Firkle was thinking of because I had a deadline and she simply refused to stop sobbing.
The regular liberal media could not reach Bergh for comment about the incident so I didn’t even bother trying. I do know that the Fort Collins city code is fairly broad in its definition of what constitutes a weapon, stating that”no person shall discharge, fire or shoot any gun, pistol, crossbow, bow and arrow, slingshot or other firearm or weapon whatsoever, including BB guns or pellet guns.”
While convicted first-time offenders are usually fined $250 and sentenced to three years in prison, I hope my sensitive readers will help Ms. Firkle assure that Mr. Bergh be crushed beneath a suitable pile of books.
Meanwhile in Odgen, Utah, Brad R. Ricks mixed alcohol and the second amendment to achieve ironic results on Tuesday when he was arrested for having shot the right to life out of an unnamed acquaintance who bled out on the kitchen floor from a .45 bullet wound to the head.
According to police, Mr. Ricks admitted that he and the latest American hero had been drinking heavily for several hours when the victim started looking at Ricks’ impressive weapons collection, at one point asking Ricks to shoot him, which Ricks did, being an obliging kind of guy. It is not clear whether Ricks thought the gun was unloaded, but I think we can agree that is a moot point, considering the outcome.
I got up at 10:55 this morning. Chyeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Squirrel or whatever you are!
Also, why contact people for an interview when you can make it all up yourself? That’s what most newspapers do anyway. Oh well, Cheerios! (For breakfast)
Let me begin my remarks with this message from Miss reCAPTCHA 2009: preface WFUV. I trust that means something to my readers.
@Moss-Phucker - My apologies but this site is first come first served and the blighter flipped me a fish finger for free, but I know what you mean. The only thing worse than a click from a limp-wristed brit is some Aussie wanker beating on his keyboard like it was an SEO engine.
@Ms. Whore. Surely, this channel you mention is related to Warren Beatty’s sister, no?
If only there were a way to get back to the good-old SEO days when all options were on the table, I’d be able to moderate the posts on this blog with extreme prejudice, but the stem-cell treatment has put me off my critical feed, I’m afraid.
Bring it on!
How rude. Are you trying to get me fired? I’ll have you know that I am performing an important community service not just for my fellow NOMPH™ians but for people with insignificant (or even without) penises all over the world, including (shudder) Australia and New Zealand, accursed lands of a million wankers.
So go crawl back in your hidey-hole Professor Fuddrucker Stirrer-Upper or whoever you are and consider a career in pubic relations.
Have to go, a shipment of AK47s I ordered for the mountain beavers has just arrived with his behrman.
Take care and write when you find work. Mom says hi.
Dr. Muss-Phucker -
I’m reminded of a song by Barry Manilow that fits times like these, or maybe it was Rick Astley, but the point is there is no point in excluding the banger manglers from helping me earn whatever I can by exploiting my insignificant penis through SEO to help bolster our beleaguered second amendment right to own and bear arms for use with perverts and terrorists expose themselves to our children.
I understand your confusion over the chutney, and I feel your pain about watching the bishop gobbled your whal maht with relish and a stale bun, but you’ll have to trust me on this.
Queen just isn’t herself these days, but Freddie says hello.
@Stanker
Not another goddamn mission. I’m still getting hate mail from hanging that banner behind Bush on the U.S.S. Hiroshima.
Troof? I can mangle the troof.
Condi is such an lying sack of bitchly shit. You know I caught her sitting on Rummy’s face during a briefing break on the weapons of mass destruction fabrication mission?
No more missions. And no more Sally Forth.
The squirrel has landed!
Nichole’s ‘45 according to reCAPTCHA
Speaking of wiggling fingers, I prostate myself before the alter of pay per click, but reCAPTCHA doubted it’s.
That’s what Condi said, too, but she was just being plains artsier.