Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

As the staff at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat gears up for the next imaginary tragedy involving the exercise of second amendment rights by people who can’t get enough of my insignificant penis, I want to take this opportunity to thank the dozens of developmentally disabled Republicans across the country who showed up to blame the past eight years of Bush administration spend and borrow policies on Biraq Hussein Obama and his amazing Portuguese Water Dog, Bo Jangles.

It is so refreshing to realize that the NOMPH™ is still inhabited by the kinds of little Eichmann’s that foreigners love to fly fuel-laden jetliners into. Watching these amateurs imitating the left-wing loonies they so thoroughly despise convinces me the Farelly Brothers made a mistake casting Sean Penn as Larry to Jim Carrey’s Curly and Benicio’s Moe in the upcoming Three Stooges movie. I can’t think of a better bunch of knuckleheads than Newt Lounge Lizard Gingrinch, Bobby Volcanoe Dumbee Lindal, and Rush Hindenberg Limbaugh.

In Washington, D.C., not a single shot was fired when nearly three tenths of a percent as many people as attended Obama’s pre-inauguration celebration attempted to show up like an angry zit at the National Mall on Google Earth by clumping together like mutated leucocytes waving signs with truly profound and life-affirming messages like: Read My Lipstick. No Nude Texans, Tacksation is worst than piracy, Don’t blame my sorry ass. I voted for Sarah, Don’t let no uppity nigra enslave our childrens with debits, and Get your nasty ass fingers out of my cookie jar.

The protests follow hard on the heels of revelations that the new White House pet was not a junk yard dog from an animal shelter as the president had promised repeatedly both during the election campaign and since taking office, but in fact was received from Senator Ted Kennedy who, despite having brain cancer, is still one of the most hated and evil people in Congress, according to those who claim to know everything.

Critics accuse the president of intentionally misleading the public to steal the election from war hero John I’m this one not that one McCain and his “really hot” running mate, Sarah Plainly Simple Palin. “If he’ll lie about where he was getting a goddamn dog,” said one protestor who requested we include her name, photograph, resume, and phone number in this story because she is looking for work, “what else is he lying about? How do we know he didn’t start the recession and rig the election in Minnesota so that Al Qaeda Franken is going to embarrass the Senate by making fart jokes about little old ladies?”

I have to admit, that was a pretty good question, but I’m not going to mention her name anyway because I’m getting paid big bucks for this post and she’s not.

Demonstrating the intellectual brilliance we have come to expect from citizens of the NOMPH, one protestor condemned the administration for the loss in value of her investments in recent years. “My money is disappearing,” said Helen Nonsequitor, a 70-year-old retiree, wearing a housecoat and bunny slippers while carriying a sign that read: You can’t get hope from a dope, “We are tired of being taxed without misrepresentation.”

Former vice president in hiding Lon Cheney emerged briefly from his bunker to join Dick Armey (yes, that’s his real name), chairman of Freedom Works (despite all evidence to the contrary), to describe the tax day tea parties as “a gun-toting American’s second amendment shot in the face of injustice as taxpayers defend themselves against out of control government spending brought about by 85 days of Democrat mob rule.”

By all Republican sore-loser accounts, turnout in the deep south has been impressive, demonstrating the growing strength of supposedly neocondi rice and beaner dead-enders who intend to take the government back by force, if necessary, with anywhere from 5 to 20 angry mental midgets showing up in the more than 800 protest sites organized by former House Speaker Gingrinch, who is positioning himself for a coup in 2012 or to take his money and run in the next couple of months. Gingrinch refuses to comment on persistent rumors that he is seeking asylum in Saudi Arabia in case the Democrats pick up more House and Senate seats in 2010.

But the day was not without some drop-dead beautiful second amendment moments, such as having Ted NRA Numbnuts Nugent telling Glenn Beck’s drooling radio audience that when they hear him sing the Star Spangled Banner before the Texas Chainsaw Tax Day Teabagging that “Blood’s going to squirt out of their eyeballs!” Numbnuts will apparently accomplish this without discharging one of his constitutionally protected automatic weapons, saying that showing up at the Texas protest “unarmed and helpless is the way to go.”

Meanwhile, the second amendment daily death count grew only slightly today as gun nuts rallied in public places, contributing a few dozen more body bags to the gross domestic product, including Patricio Vega, who was shot in his apartment complex in Sandy Springs, Georgia, proving that the second amendment can invent new vulnerable body parts if you attempt to protect your door or parking lot or restaurant.

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