Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

In the wake of a series of bad decisions by the terrorist-run election board, the NOMPH™ Republican Guard called for Minnesotans who still support former Saturday Night Live comedian Stuart Little to “do the honorable thing and resign from the country, like the Japanese would, if they got their little penises caught in the cookie jar like this.”

Recent rulings in the decades-old recount between ousted incumbent Norm Numbnuts Coleman and not so instant weiner Prince Albert Franklin seem to point to the Democrats getting within one vote of a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate sometime before the 2010 midterm elections, which the Republicans believe they can win by simply sitting on their hands and holding their breath until they turn blue.

Republicans are also calling for the arrest and extraordinary rendition of Alaska Senator Mark Begich so he can be questioned about what he knew about Justice Department malfeasance “and when he knew it,” said Governor Sarah Bimbo Palin, who “absolutely, for sure,” agrees that Ted Stevens would be Senator today if he wasn’t “on trial and could of been home to buy a few more votes.”

As al Franqen fighters began occupying public buildings in Minneapolis-St. Paul, demanding autographs from Garrison Keilor and the entire Prairie Home Companion cast, Republicans huffed and puffed and called Headrush Hindenberg Limbaugh to ask if he’d come to their state once he leaves New York to protest having to pay taxes.

Senator John Bunghole Cornyn, Chief Doodyhead of the National Republican Senatorial Guard, is so angry that his butt boy Norm lost the election that he is threatening to abandon the rule of law that made it possible for his party to run the country into the ground between 2000 and 2008. “If it takes a century to count all the votes until Norm wins,” Cornyn fumed, “then that’s what it will take. The American people deserve the government we’ve promised to give them, and letting a few rotten apples steal an election is just not in the cards.”

Coleman himself hasn’t said what he plans to do when he loses his appeal of the recount, but a source close to the closeted conservative was rumored to have told someone in a restroom once frequented by Larry Craig that “all options are still on the table. We’ll have to see what the judges do and see what the next step is. This is about getting it right, and not letting a bunch of lefties bully us into accepting an outcome that all of us knows is wrong. If this court doesn’t do that, we’ll kind of look at the next level.”

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