Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

As Sledge Hammer used to almost say: Trust me. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I suspect no one else knows what they are doing either, but that’s none of my business because I don’t mean business. In fact, I may be the greatest anti-business business on this InterTube Bus we bozos choose to ride, and I have no clue to what your business is — but I’m sure that what I suspect I mean, which is not to say I mean whatever I suspect I might say because saying is strictly metaphoracological when you use it in a blog, which is a kind of funky fen when you really think about it, which you shouldn’t, and I don’t — where was I?

Oh yeah. I remember. Now that Hunger and Hope day is over and all the world is sated and laid back with big bellies and rolling doobers for dessert, I was planning to write about the differences between pig flu epidemics and pandemics, but it turns out that there really is no such word as epidemic, which is simply a misspelling of epidermis — which is in turn just another Kris Kristoffersonesque word for nothing left to lose after you’ve failed to give up any actionable intelligence during a Lon Cheney-sanctioned harsh interrogation session that removed your protective covering and left you whimpering like a terrorist baby abandoned at an al Franqen training camp.

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For those who haven’t heard Hunger Strike as sung by Eddie Vedder on Temple of the Dog, you can find the lyrics online in several places, like this one. Although I’m a person who writes rather than sings, some songs need to be listened to, and this is one of them, especially when we are all imaginarily gathered together for Hunger and Hope, which seems like an odd menu selection.

This morning I will refrain from my SEO mission to capture the market on searches for insignificant penises and the second amendment daily body count because we’re all going hungry, many physically and in the real world.

A couple of years ago, I was writing posts on hearing about hunger and doing the math and living the enduring lunacy of the never-ending reelection campaign war against humanity on another blog. Today even more people are hungry in the NOMF™ and throughout the NOMF-infected world, and why?

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If these are the kinds of questions flooding into your mind as a concerned young citizen in the green devolution today, you’ve come to the right place because I have been living in the belly of the NOMPH for more than 60 years and loving it. I get up every morning and recite my grudge of allegiance and salute the smog.

It does not matter whether you are young or old, male or female, Demoblican or Republicrat, on or off, good or evil, hero or terrorist, ugly or hideous, or bored and indifferent. At the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat, Doctor Faustroll and the patients and staff are committed to helping you become the best little Eichmann you can be in the New World Order originally perfected during the Alzheimer-enabled administration of The One Minute President.

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Apparently New Yorkers have yet to get with the program nearly 10 years after 9/11, the day that changed everything for just everybody else in the NOMF™. I guess heroism is just so like August 6, 2001. I hear that thousands of potential heroes fled from the financial district like cockroaches when somebody flicks on the light because a plane that looked like Escape From New York flew overhead.

The mayor of the city, Michael Bimbo Bloomberg, was so angry about the insensitivity of having a photo op staged so near ground zero that he almost had a stroke, although New York remains nearly halfway around the world away from Hiroshima.

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Now that the NOMF™ has officially declared a public health emergency to deal with the zombie flu, I’m sure glad for my second amendment rights, and you should be too, no matter which side of the pandemic you end up on. If you get infected, it’s nice to know that stockpile of weapons and ammo is finally going to come in handy to resist when the authorities come to round you up for quarantine at those hundreds of camps around the world where we have never knowingly and without authorization tortured innocent people for the hell of it.

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Crime scene investigators from Las Vegas, New York, and Miami converged on Canberra, Australia, today to join the search for fugitive financier and serial developer Michraal Cephallic, aka Little Zippy Pego, who is wanted by U.S. authorities in all 50 states and several occupied principalities for murder, mayhem, assorted love crimes, and parole violations that forbid him from possessing second amendment weapons of mass construction.

Cephallic is suspected in a string of more than 100 murders involving rental tools from Home Depot — most often high powered-nail guns — that he uses to impale his illegal immigrant victims to substandard framing in subdivisions built almost entirely with sub-prime mortgage financing over the past two years. Then the flood of victims suddenly stopped following reports that Cephalic had been run over by a truck during a botched kidnapping attempt at a California rest stop.

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It isn’t all Dirty Larry Crazy Mary apeshit blasting away at anything moves out there when it comes to our God-given neocondi rice and beaner second amendment right to own and bear arms. Sometimes it’s just about ordinary NOMF™ stupidity, which is one thing — even in these tough economic times — most Americans still have plenty of.

Take the case of Thomas Mathew Bergh of Fort Collins, Colorado — who is undoubtedly one of my loyal readers — who creatively extended his second amendment rights to using a pellet gun against a particularly obnoxious squirrel that woke him up around 10 a.m. on Monday morning.

I know how scary and annoying squirrels can be, particularly when they are well-armed, but I’d never be foolish enough to go up against an angry squirrel — even an unarmed one — with just a pellet gun. What if you only wound him? Have you ever seen a wounded squirrel exacting revenge? It is not something you will ever forget, but that’s anther story.

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Now that the annual Columbine memorial spring vacation is over, it is time for all good patriots to refocus on SEO techniques that will bring valuable traffic to this site by inflaming insignificant penises and adding names to the cold stone wall that will one day be erected to memorialize the second amendment daily death count that seems to grow more every day.

Today we begin with Lamar Andrience Lindsey who was left dead on Flake Street in Albemarle, N.C. after two people entered a house and announced their intentions to exert their second amendment rights by opening fire.

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I think I am finally grasping how powerful search engine optimization can be after boosting traffic week over week on Dr. Faustroll Wrongs The Right by 82% simply by using the names of people killed by gunshots protected by the second amendment and the insignificant penises who fire them.

In fact, I don’t even have to list the names. I can list the towns or cities or counties or states where these killings occur and watch the counters rise, proving that Kevin Costner was correct when he said that if you shoot them, others will come, or maybe it wasn’t Costner, but it could have been. Have you seen his movies?

Chronicling the adventures of those who support the second amendment and those who serve as targets is truly a growth opportunity for keyword acquisition and exploitation, upping UV visitors clicks to the site from Google, Yahoo, Ask, Twitter, and other desirable traffic. Thanks to everyone who took the time to reload.

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Like the Lord, our sacred second amendment right to own, bear, and when necessary use arms for ultimate problem solving often moves in mysterious ways. Take the case of Tammy Sexton of Jackson County Mississippi who is currently recovering from a .38 caliber bullet that passed through her skull without hitting a vital organ. Her friends and acquaintances probably needed me to write about this supposedly miraculous event like she needed a hole in the head.

Tammy was shot Friday afternoon by her late husband, Donald Ray Sexton, who was in a hurry to avoid Jackson County Sheriff’s deputies who were trying to serve him papers ordering him to stay away from his wife after being put on probation for domestic violence less than two weeks ago. I expect that domestic violence are not worth as much as a Stradivarius, which can fetch million on eBay. Continue Reading »