Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Banking on the fervent belief of its indentured servants that self-stimulation, emulation, and imitation are not really sincere forms of flattery or symptomatic of deep-rooted psychotic dysfunction, Fox News has decided to fight back against the rampaging liberals who have savaged the economic system and national security in the past 45 days, leaving the nation in ruins, by attacking the Huffington Post and trying to level the playing field to talk radio intelligence on the Ted Stevens InterWeb system of tubes to nowhere.

They call this latest exercise in right-wingnut mass debation the FoxNation.com, hoping to counter, I suppose, the Colbert Nation effect. Colbertians are now among the most powerful imaginary voting bloc on the planet, having successfully gotten the name of the impish South Carolina native on objects, processes, and other meaningless constructs around the world and even into space. NASA is scrambling to figure out how to pull a Bush administration decision out of a Comedy Central hat and name their defective module anything but Colbert.

Imagine how covetous Rupert Murdoch and his minions of meaningless mayhem must be of an organized and munchie-distracted legion of angry chimps and other primates who are willing to roll up their feces and fling those balls through their imaginary bars and into the Ethernet to annoy ordinary assholes who really have no concept of what life or death means.

Continue Reading »

Isn’t that an irrelevant scream? How far up his ass does Bill have his head these days? Don’t answer that. It’s a rectumhorical question.

The funniest thing in the news today was Moammar Gaddafi flipping off King Abdullah X of Saudi Arabia after learning that he wasn’t going to be in the new Farrelly Brothers Three Stooges movie, in which Penn has already nailed down the role of Larry, with Jim Carrey going chrome dome for Larry.

Continue Reading »

I hated the World Trade Center before it was even built. It was hideously ugly and wanted to die. I never returned to lower Manhattan after construction began because those buildings destroyed the old electronics and camera shops I used to frequent as a kid. I wasn’t the only one who found that complex a monstrosity. People protested during construction and several attempts were made to prevent the eyesore from being built.

And that was well before the people lived in the lands where the NOMPH™ supported repressive regimes in exchange for sweet deals on sweet crude realized that a symbolic victory over the Great Satan would have to do until they finally had access to the kinds of weapons of mass destruction that we have always been willing to use on anyone at any time for any purpose. That’s what people mean when they say things like: “All options are still on the table.” Which is another reason Condoleeza Rice should by hanged in public.

Continue Reading »

We arrived in Oregon in 1981 during the last time the trickle down economy circled the toilet, and the first job I managed to get here was working for both The Oregonian and its hind-tit litter runt The Oregon Journal. I was still writing poetry then, and Mrs. Faustroll was attending the College of Specific Northwest Art.

Continue Reading »

Just when you think the NOMPH™ can’t get any stupider, and we’ve completely run out of disposable idiots, it turns out that like Jay Leno used to say in those Lay’s potato chip commercials, West Virginia can always make more. This is the only state in the NOMPH that makes Texas look like Shangrila or Xanadu or an NPR science camp. At least Texans occasionally acknowledge how stupid they are. West Virginians are still struggling to understand English as their first language.

West Virginia delegate Craig Bliar is pushing to have anyone who needs any kind of financial assistance — not counting corporations, of course, or banks, or lobbyists, or churches, or faith-based profiteers, or non-profit organizations, or Republicrat or Demoblican politicians — be required to submit to random drug testing.

My personal experience with politics and the general architecture of poopadoodle is that there are Bliars, damned Bliars, and poopadoodle. This dude qualifies as all three and has been bestowed with a George Bush Memorial Medal of Honor as Dr. Faustroll’s Certified Shithead for March 26, 2009. He’s not out of the woods yet, of course. Other shitheads can still say stupider things in the next 8 hours. The competition is fierce. There are more shitheads emerging from the woodwork everyday, in every way, suggesting we need to calm down, and relax, deeper and deeper.

Continue Reading »

I was thinking of calling Pee Wee Herman after reading about merengue superstar Elvis the Pelvis Crespos being investigated for making sweet music with his skin flute on a flight from Houston to Miami. Pee Wee, after all, was nailed for choking his miniature Kojak while watching Nurse Nancy in a darkened theater with sticky floors frequented by cops and undercover drug enforcement agents and Bush family members, no pun intended.

Continue Reading »

Some years ago when I was still living in a post office box formerly occupied by the Anarchist Film Study Group, I responded to a poll by The Oregonadian (a collection of journalists and media moguls with insignificant penises whose motto was at the time: If it matters to Oregonadians, it’s in The Oregonadian). This was back before anyone used the term snail mail to describe the process of communicating with people without having to spit directly in their faces.

The poll had to do with the death penalty and was sponsored by a right to life group who believed that God intended every fertilized embryo to be brought to term, educated by morons, raised by idiots, used as an instrument of the state with malignant indifference to advance imperialistic goals until he or she malfunctioned and committed a crime of passion that was punishable death. That’s the American Way. If it seems too stupid to be true and it isn’t currently the law, it soon will be.

Continue Reading »

I applaud the brave activists out there who are trying to figure out more effective ways to turn ordinary phuck-ups into outlaws. The more outlaws there are, the safer I am. The idea of having to wear a helmet to participate in as silly an activity as skiing, well, that seems to be a rather ineffective way to protect the public against fatal brain injuries.

A more effective effort would be to keep humans away from state or church sponsored education. Don’t tell me you heard it here first. What planet are you living on?

Continue Reading »

I had this wonderful piece about Michelle Obama poisoning little children and White House diners by establishing a garden in toxic soil on the White House lawn. I had pictures of gardeners in hazmat uniforms and victims of Agent Orange and the Bee Poop Saddam Hussein tested for us on those pieces of shit Kurds, but I just couldn’t get my insignficant penis sufficiently tumescent to pursue the effort necessary to get the kind of SEO heat-seeking insignificant penis hits that people like Griz are trying to get us to understand how the sorry ass place we are in leads to his sorry ass place where we will all be earning bigger bucks for the same sorry ass effort. Hallelujah!

So I’m not going to post tonight. I’m going to get drunk and shoot some heroin and watch that Jesse James movie with Casey Affeck and Brad Pitt, and maybe smoke a little medical marijauana while sipping Everclear and Black Butte Porter and chewing some black tar. I so prefer intoxication to socialization that I routinely risk imprisonment by the NOMPH™ just to get it on.

I am going to clean my weapons and feather the clips. I like this life. I can’t think of one I would rather attempt to adapt to.

I tried to contact Chris Burke this morning after President Biraq Hussein Obama’s appearance on the Jay Leno show where he described his efforts to become a champion bowler in the White House Slick Dick Nixon Memorial Lanes as being “like Special Olympics or something,” but apparently Burke has moved since we corresponded briefly when he starred as Corky on the mega-inspirational TV series Life Goes On, which used a Beatle’s song about the fledgling Internet marketplace for its theme.
Continue Reading »