Jan 03 2009
Bush legacy halts traffic on Imelda Marcos Parkway
Not even emergency traffic could get through this morning as FEMA and Homeland Suckyourity personnel struggled to remove hundreds of thousands of mismatched shoes and socks that mysteriously appeared on Palmetto Expressway in Miami, Florida.
Florida is primarily known for citrus fruit production and for putting George W. Bush in the White House in 2000 at the suggestion of his campaign charperson and state elections official Katherine Harris, the woman who singlehandedly kept the lipstick industry afloat during the prosperous Clinton years.
Scientific studies have shown that lipstick and cosmetic sales generally boom during economic downturns, and some of the fastest growing businesses in the depressed economy during the past six months are those who manufacture gaudy face paint and overwhelmingly cloying under-arm aromatics.
Some believe that president elect Biraq Hussein Osama was referring to Harris and not Alaska Governor Sarah “Bimbo” Palin when he described Republican efforts to solve the new, improved Great Depression as “putting lipstick on a pig.”
As traffic began again to crawl on Palmetto late last night, disingenuous Florida Highway Patrol spokeslieutenant Juan-Miquel Angelo told reporters that he had “no idea where all these shoes came from. Some suggest they are the result of a breach in the space time continuum. Some call it an act of a vengeful God. Others suspect a truck heading for the inauguration may have lost its load in premature anticipation. I prefer not to speculate myself, but I do hope someone will step forward and claim this flowing fountain of footwear so that we can avoid taking it to the dump.”
In recent weeks, according to some of our ill-informed sources, the debate over renaming the Palmetto Expressway has grown increasingly contentious, with charges of intimidation and violence being made by several factions.
Those who want to rename Palmetto the Elian Gonzalez Parkway have clashed openly with those who prefer Imelda Marcos Turnpike, while supporters of George W. Bush Toll Road have been accused of firebombing the offices of both the Gonzalez and Marcos camps. Spokesidiots for the never-ending Bush reelection campaign were not even contacted for comment on this story. Would you waste your time on these pathetic losers? Seriously?
Apparently Florida is so completely overrun with nutria, alligators, old jews, and young drunks that no one is aware that protestors around the world have been waving and throwing shoes at anything vaguely associated with the NOMPH™ or its remaining allies: Israel, The Republic of Shredni Vashtar, and Bernie Madoff’s annoying mother. To resurrect the priceless question that William S. Burroughs often raised: Wouldn’t you?
Throwing shoes at Bush-related targets has become a global activity since Muntazer al-Zeidi missed Goober Bush with two shoes last month. Throughout Israel, Palestinians have been tossing footwear at casual diners to express their disapproval of genocidal operations in the Gaza Strip.
Iranians in Tehran have joined in the joyous expression of international outrage by putting up Fathead posters of Bush administration officals and tossing footwear at them. Those who hit the target and volunteer to suicide bomb an American or Israeli target are given lottery tickets that entitle them to up to 6 times as many virgins as ordinary suicide bombers.
Despite all this international news and interest in screwing the world with flung shoes, officials in Florida apparently still don’t have a clue about what several miles of shoes on a major Florida highway might indicate.
Even after al Jazeera reported that most intelligence agencies suspect a link between the shoe spewers and whoever stole a hideous and overpriced statue of a large Afro-American penis from Bernie Madoff’s Florida hidey hole earlier this week and later returned it with a note that said: “Hey Bernie, you conniving jew-boy faggot asshole. Let’s see if you can understand this simple lesson. Return stolen property to its rightful owners. Think you can handle that?”, Florida officials refused to comment on probable linkage because of the ongoing investigation.
According to at least one maverick art appraiser who is considering a presidential run in 2012, the thieves could have melted down the sculpture and sold the copper for more than the art value of the piece, which he described as “typical kike investor chic. The epitome of kitsch.”
Earlier today, a Nashville, Tennessee-based nonprofit called Soles4Souls offered to pick up the Florida shoes and distribute them to shoeless people throughout the world, free of charge. The Bush administration quickly blocked Soles4Soles offer because of the unwillingness of group leaders to sign a statement ensuring they would not send the shoes to places where people hate the U.S. government.
“How weird is that?” said Soles4Souls spokesman Timothy McVeigh. “That means we can’t even move these shoes to 85% of the shoeless communities within the United States. We’ve been trying to negotiate wording that says we won’t send the shoes to places where they will obviously be thrown at American officials, but they haven’t gotten back to us. I think they’re still on their busy vacation schedule. The assholes.”
