Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Am I the only fan in the NOMPH™ who is going to miss the promise of this championship game between the worst of the worst in college football?

Originally proposed in the late 1990s as way to create a college playoff system, sponsors of the Dead Bowl over the years have been rumored to include Enron, Washington Mutual, Lehmann Brothers, Worldcom, Tom Delay, Arthur Anderson, the Department of Homeland Security, Halliburton (and its subsidiary Kellogg, Brown, and Root), Trent Lott, and AIG, the The Dead Bowl has yet to host a single game, and it now looks like the Bernard Madoff Dead Bowl, tentatively scheduled for the first Sunday in May at Minute Maid field, has been cancelled, despite a last ditch effort to rename it the Twinkies Ding Dong Dead Bowl, sponsored by Continental Baking and Interstate Bakeries.

The Kent State Golden Flash and Florida International University Golden Panthers, who have been tentatively scheduled to play in the Dead Bowl for six consecutive years, could not be reached for comment on the latest announcement.

The bowl sponsorship was hastily changed two weeks ago when Ponzi scheme artist Bernie Madoff was charged with bilking investors out of more than $50 billion in small change that he told authorities he must have lost in the back seats of limousines when going to fleece with clients or in the cushions of sofas and chairs in the hundreds of rooms he stays in each year.

Minute Maid stadium in Houston was originally named Enron field in honor of one of outgoing First Idiot Goober Bush’s close personal friends, Kenneth “Kenny Boy” Lay, who, until recently epitomized the pinnacle of corporate corruption and malfesance admired by the neocondi rice and beaners who took over the country in a bloodless coup in 2000. Hardly anyone remembers Kenny Boy these days because the entire country appears to have succumbed to a bad case of short and long term memory loss clinically known as terminal dumb ass, or TDA, one of the few trendy disorders for which there is neither a cure nor a telethon.

Meanwhile, it’s the players and the fans who have to suffer when competitions like the Dead Bowl are abruptly cancelled to please the bean counters and spin doctors.

Here’s hoping they don’t pull the plug on next year’s promising Australian Bikini Wax Bowl, sponsored by Nads Hair Removal products.