Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

You know, there is nothing quite as invigorating as listening to the First Idiot justify something vice president in hiding Lon Cheney obviously ordered him to say. It’s not that Goober isn’t believable as an incompetent rube who represents exactly the kind of leadership the NOMPH™ deserves. In truth, the citizenry of the NOMPH has yet to fully enjoy the spoils of eight years of victory on the sea of joy and rapture!

Bush took time out this morning from his busy vacation schedule — after pardoning several violators of environmental and wildlife regulations, tax evaders, embezzlers, bank defrauders, and shooters of bald eagles — to tell the three or four dozen Americans (primarily members of the liberal media and al Franqen sympathizers) who even bother to pretend he should not be standing trial for crimes against humanity in The Hague that he wasn’t using taxpayer dollars to cover bad bets made by deregulated financial institutions formerly influenced by his brother Neil during his failed administration.

The latest polls seem to indicate that Bush’s popularity has fallen to a level unseen since the Pleistocene era, with numbers that imply he enjoys only lukewarm support from his political appointees, their lawyers, and immediate family and friends.

So Bush once again inserted the earbud connected to the medulla-interfaced iPod Touch surgically implanted in the space previously occupied by his alleged soul and relayed the party line to eager reporters, who were hoping to make it big and one day become the next Robert Novak, perennial winner of The Daily Show Douchebag of Liberty award (2005-2007) for journalistic integrity and costive excellence.

Not content to merely smirk and scratch his crotch, the demented lameduck Decider appeared determined to confirm his rumored upcoming Paraguayan exile by placing the blame for the current economic crisis squarely — don’t ask, don’t tell — at the deformed diabetic feet of the Clinton administration, when Bubba presided.

“This is a tough situation for America,” Bush recited, trying to keep from busting a gut, “But we will recover from the excesses of the previous administration that stole the Ws off the keyboards on all our computers and stained the rug in the Oval Orifice, using our proven 12-step program. The first step is to secure our financial system by admitting our addiction to foreign oil and environmental extremism, and that our economic lives have become unmanageable. Amen.”

“And I’m standing here as a born again Texan to tell you that if need be,” Bush shouted, thrusting his pelvis toward the podium for emphasis, “We’re going to keep making these kinds of decisions again and again based on the notion that a power greater than ourselves can help restore sanity to safeguard our financial system in the future against the liberal terrorists and Democrats. I assure you that all options remain on the table.”

Bush’s latest effort to appear relevant in a world that passed him by a couple of years ago involves guaranteeing more than $300 billion in losses at Citigroup that many argue constitute the worst collection of bad bets ever made during the history of human civilization. The dinosaurs also made several monumentally bad bets on the future, but they were not a representative democracy in the strictest sense of the word. And they all died of AIDS, which is apparently not going to happen with most investment bankers.

In addition, average formerly working and now unemployed Americans who have already been swindled out of their retirements, health care benefits, and real estate value during eight years of irrational Bush meat exuberance will give Citigroup another $20 billion in unmarked bills of small denominations in addition to the $25 billion delivered to the bank by armored convoy a few weeks ago as part of the $700 billion bailout passed by Congress in October.

The president defended the plan by noting that he did not “cave in to a Citicorp demand” that the government issue debit and gift cards to the bank for its exclusive use in salvaging its pride to provide as gifts for lobbyists. No one bothered to correct the president for his misuse of the corporate name for the institution he had just committed the young of his country to pay tribute to for the next few centuries. The toxic entity Bush sacrificed the first and subsequent born of the next several generations of Americans changed its name to Citigroup to make it more user friendly to ordinary investors, which it commonly refers to as suckers.

“We decided that a toxic equity line of discredit was the way to go,” the president said, seriously, staring into the camera as if a proctologist was giving him bad news by whispering up the stainless steel scope. “No need to throw the good money out with the bath water. I know there’s some in this country that’s still not for me, which is the same as being against me, which is not a good thing when there’s a war going on that you should keep on shopping to fight, but I’m not set in my ways. I know that I been fooled before, like most of us was when the stock market went tits up because of the election results involving the Internet.”

“No one should misunderestimate my dissolve to lead this country through the dismal swamp to the future of astroturf and energy independence with offshore drilling,” Bush proclaimed. “There’s an old saying in Genesee, which is knowed for its cream ale production — I know it’s not taxes, which you can read from my daddy’s lips and probably in Genesee — that says, fool me once, shame on, well — what the hell, you can’t help it. I know I can’t. But then again. You know. Who knows how many times you get fooled when you think you haven’t been fooled. You think the Democrats have all the answers? Well, fine. Bring it on. Once, twice, three times, a lady can fool you, but you think Nancy Pelosi is a lady? No way. And that’s why I think my plan is best, because of my mandrake. And God bless America.”

Trackback URI | Comments RSS