Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Are you more Bart, Beau, Bret, John, or Sarah?

If I remember correctly — and you have to forgive me here for being a senior citizen whose memory should always be failing by now but only sometimes does — the Maverick boys were gamblers that were always getting themselves into horrible situations and having the writers of the show get them out of the fecal heaps in which they found themselves before the episode was over.

Meanwhile, the current Republican campaign to retain control of the White House long enough to let George W. Bush find a friendly country to shield him from international war criminal bounty hunters thinks it’s a really great idea to have the country elect a maverick and a backup maverick a heart attack away from the nuclear trigger. Makes me warm and moist just thinking about it.

I realize my opinion that most Americans are ignorant idiots sometimes offends even those who don’t consider themselves among that outspoken majority.

In particular, Al Franken, Keith Olberman, and Daily Show liberals — along with faggoty liberals who have yet to come out of the closet — often attack and ban me from their pathetic love-fest boards simply because the free speech I engage in infuriates them.

It doesn’t help, of course, when I respond to their protestations of my unreasonableness with even more outrageous arguments zeroing in on their enduring Zippy the Pinheaded self-righteousness when approaching any show of reality that does not involve a television network and an unseemly cash prize that could feed an army of homeless people through the winter.

Does being antagonistic to the average idiotic liberal make me a conservative? Depends on how you define Depends. I find conservatives equally annoying and cloying, particularly when you consider that Sarah Palin is their “go to guy.” Any intellectual movement that has a runner-up beauty bimbo who thinks you betcha is an acceptable substitute for hell yeah needs to have its impacted anus examined for enemy submarines equipped with thermonuclear suppositories.

Has the world turned binary simply because Andy Grove founded Intel and fostered a culture of paranoia there that persists to this day? Of course not. This planet has room for thousands of answers to common questions, and all a computer can do is approximate that complexity by reducing an unlimited universe of possibility to a series of on/off, right/wrong, yes/no decisions. It’s no wonder that the world is less interesting and more fraught with potential disaster now than it was 30 years ago.

Would I miss the world I live in now more than I miss the world I lived in then? Have you ever asked a rhetorical question in a room full of journalists? Does your mother know you’re an idiot?

Let me tell you what a maverick I am. I’m such a maverick that I’ve never seen the film version with Mel Gibson.

I’m so mavericky that I still remember all the words to McRickey Baccalah, which is the Trafalmadorian version of Three Blind Mice.

I’m so mavericky that I wouldn’t miss Alaska (get the pun?) if we sold the state back to Russia. The place is a cesspool of socialism. This is no time to give peace a chance, much less socialism.

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