Nov 04 2008
In the afterlife, do farts still stink?
To begin with, I was surprised to see the liberal media so anxious to report on farts when it remains unable to report on impeachable offenses by the current administration or its argument that all war crimes are still on the table. Is it true that George W. Bush will continue in office for another couple of months gutting the EPA, labor relations, several international treaties, and other arrangements while the First Idiot’s handlers work to find a South or Central American country that will grant him immunity for prosecution for war crimes? Will he get to live in a villa once owned by an American supported Nazi who sold ideas to U.S. pharmaceutical companies and their liberal supporters?
I suspect that the key question believers ask themselves when choosing to believe in a deity is whether this worthless malignant asshole should be hung his heels and burned until his protestations are no longer heard or whether we need to wait until mid-term elections.
You got a bunch of virgins? If you fart in their faces, they’re not going to stick around for long. Granted, most Christians, even evangelical Protestants, long ago realized that if they wanted some hot action that did not involve stakes and bonfires, they needed to indulge their fantasies with local nubiles, male or female, who went down for tips and indulgences at fast food joints.
It turns out that the stinkiest farts are the best you can hope for, as we in the NOMF™ plod onward toward Fubar’s Supreme Rupture. The worse your farts smell, the better the chance you will outlive the pierced text-messaging morons around you on the bus or light-rail. These people have committed themselves to odorless farts. In many cases, they have signed pre-pre-nuptial agreements with arbiters of good taste waiting in line to determine what level of bowel emission is too stanking foul to allow this relationship to go forward.
I recently farted during a routine traffic stop and found myself detained as a suspected terrorist. Granted, I was only inconvenienced by the retards in charge for a mere 64 hours, but it made me question how many Gitmo prisoners are being held simply because their farts help regulate blood pressure spikes among those who don’t have prescription drug benefits.
I suspect that if God exists, which I doubt (and you should too assuming you are not one of Sarah Palin’s or Nancy Pelosi’s relatives), He prefers a bold, piquant flatuent freep to the average sorry ass Wendy’s inspired emission. And Cindy McCain would probably much prefer that odor to the terminal flatuence her hubby has been offering during the current campaign.
BTW, if you vote in this election, intelligent people may soon be hunting you down and rounding you up and shipping you to Texas to await charges by the World Court for crimes against humanity or humility, neither of which means much these days.
