Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs

Are you more Bart, Beau, Bret, John, or Sarah?

If I remember correctly — and you have to forgive me here for being a senior citizen whose memory should always be failing by now but only sometimes does — the Maverick boys were gamblers that were always getting themselves into horrible situations and having the writers of the show get them out of the fecal heaps in which they found themselves before the episode was over.

Meanwhile, the current Republican campaign to retain control of the White House long enough to let George W. Bush find a friendly country to shield him from international war criminal bounty hunters thinks it’s a really great idea to have the country elect a maverick and a backup maverick a heart attack away from the nuclear trigger. Makes me warm and moist just thinking about it.

I realize my opinion that most Americans are ignorant idiots sometimes offends even those who don’t consider themselves among that outspoken majority.

In particular, Al Franken, Keith Olberman, and Daily Show liberals — along with faggoty liberals who have yet to come out of the closet — often attack and ban me from their pathetic love-fest boards simply because the free speech I engage in infuriates them.

It doesn’t help, of course, when I respond to their protestations of my unreasonableness with even more outrageous arguments zeroing in on their enduring Zippy the Pinheaded self-righteousness when approaching any show of reality that does not involve a television network and an unseemly cash prize that could feed an army of homeless people through the winter.

Does being antagonistic to the average idiotic liberal make me a conservative? Depends on how you define Depends. I find conservatives equally annoying and cloying, particularly when you consider that Sarah Palin is their “go to guy.” Any intellectual movement that has a runner-up beauty bimbo who thinks you betcha is an acceptable substitute for hell yeah needs to have its impacted anus examined for enemy submarines equipped with thermonuclear suppositories.

Has the world turned binary simply because Andy Grove founded Intel and fostered a culture of paranoia there that persists to this day? Of course not. This planet has room for thousands of answers to common questions, and all a computer can do is approximate that complexity by reducing an unlimited universe of possibility to a series of on/off, right/wrong, yes/no decisions. It’s no wonder that the world is less interesting and more fraught with potential disaster now than it was 30 years ago.

Would I miss the world I live in now more than I miss the world I lived in then? Have you ever asked a rhetorical question in a room full of journalists? Does your mother know you’re an idiot?

Let me tell you what a maverick I am. I’m such a maverick that I’ve never seen the film version with Mel Gibson.

I’m so mavericky that I still remember all the words to McRickey Baccalah, which is the Trafalmadorian version of Three Blind Mice.

I’m so mavericky that I wouldn’t miss Alaska (get the pun?) if we sold the state back to Russia. The place is a cesspool of socialism. This is no time to give peace a chance, much less socialism.

To begin with, I was surprised to see the liberal media so anxious to report on farts when it remains unable to report on impeachable offenses by the current administration or its argument that all war crimes are still on the table. Is it true that George W. Bush will continue in office for another couple of months gutting the EPA, labor relations, several international treaties, and other arrangements while the First Idiot’s handlers work to find a South or Central American country that will grant him immunity for prosecution for war crimes? Will he get to live in a villa once owned by an American supported Nazi who sold ideas to U.S. pharmaceutical companies and their liberal supporters?

I suspect that the key question believers ask themselves when choosing to believe in a deity is whether this worthless malignant asshole should be hung his heels and burned until his protestations are no longer heard or whether we need to wait until mid-term elections.

You got a bunch of virgins? If you fart in their faces, they’re not going to stick around for long. Granted, most Christians, even evangelical Protestants, long ago realized that if they wanted some hot action that did not involve stakes and bonfires, they needed to indulge their fantasies with local nubiles, male or female, who went down for tips and indulgences at fast food joints.

It turns out that the stinkiest farts are the best you can hope for, as we in the NOMF™ plod onward toward Fubar’s Supreme Rupture. The worse your farts smell, the better the chance you will outlive the pierced text-messaging morons around you on the bus or light-rail. These people have committed themselves to odorless farts. In many cases, they have signed pre-pre-nuptial agreements with arbiters of good taste waiting in line to determine what level of bowel emission is too stanking foul to allow this relationship to go forward.

I recently farted during a routine traffic stop and found myself detained as a suspected terrorist. Granted, I was only inconvenienced by the retards in charge for a mere 64 hours, but it made me question how many Gitmo prisoners are being held simply because their farts help regulate blood pressure spikes among those who don’t have prescription drug benefits.

I suspect that if God exists, which I doubt (and you should too assuming you are not one of Sarah Palin’s or Nancy Pelosi’s relatives), He prefers a bold, piquant flatuent freep to the average sorry ass Wendy’s inspired emission. And Cindy McCain would probably much prefer that odor to the terminal flatuence her hubby has been offering during the current campaign.

BTW, if you vote in this election, intelligent people may soon be hunting you down and rounding you up and shipping you to Texas to await charges by the World Court for crimes against humanity or humility, neither of which means much these days.